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[23 May 2005|01:01pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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The Byrds |
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New lj
Woodsmans_wife... add it.
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[20 May 2005|05:52pm] |
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| I am done. |
[18 May 2005|09:39pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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music |
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Muddy Waters- I just want to makle love to you |
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"There followed a moment of suspense, in which he looked himself over with amazement. Then he burst out laughing. He laughed at himself...at his own ridiculous clumsiness, his life, his shabby passions; he recalled his former hopes and laughed at them too, because they had culminated in this, in this solemn personage who had been at the point of shedding tears because he had fallen down...and he thought 'To think I used to take myself seriously.' The laughter stopped after a few final gasps; there was no one left to laugh at."
-Sartre, "The Age of Reason"
School is over and I can now dedicated myself to more important things like re-typing that passage and various others over and over just to try to imagine what it is to have original thoughts.
Isn't it horrible, when you are going through your day in a mundane half-bored way, then something like death comes along or equally as dramatic, traumatic whatever. Then everything seems even more pointless and you get angry at everybody sitting in their desks or walking down the street or driving their car or watching TV and you feel like screaming, "people are dying, how can you just sit there" as if you hadn't been doing the exact same thing moments before.
Then a couple days later, you're back in your desk doing the same exact thing.
Well, atleast I'm done with desks for a short bit.
I feel so absurd
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| "I worship the great god Pan" |
[01 May 2005|09:26pm] |
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mood |
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 geeky |
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music |
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Ani difranco-Garden of Simple |
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"When reason fails, 'the devil' helps."
-Dostoevsky- "Crime and Punishment"
Yup...still up to nothing. But I made my mom cry and beat my brother in chess.
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| Rage, rage against the dying of the light. |
[10 Apr 2005|01:36pm] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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music |
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Velvet Underground-Femme Fatale |
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But seriously, what the hell happened last week? There was some school, controlled substances, watching horrible movies in a trailer at 3:30 in the morning.
Best story ever: Three hobos in the van, telling us where then can buy beer for us. One was sixty years old, sung along to Bob Dylan who took to screaming at the Second who was the typical mumble-mumble-spaz type. And the third who had the nicest hair but had been hit by a car a few days ago causing him to go deaf in one ear.
Ya know it's one of those things when you keep thinking while the experience is happening "wow what a great story this is going to be" so you're not even fully enjoying it. Then when you tell it later, it just doesn't have pizzazz, because everyone knows it's supposed to be a good story, it's just too predictably good. I do that too much. If I had already been drunk, it would have been a much better story.
If I can find the damned camera, I'll post pictures soon.
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[09 Apr 2005|09:51pm] |
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Behind the wheel, and driving everyone away.
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| "The sun is not yellow, it's chicken" |
[11 Mar 2005|09:29pm] |
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Human, all too human.
It was in the room with no clock and pineapples on the wall. Infact the funeral home guy much resembled a pineapple but he was more of an asshole.
So yeah...death. Who knew?
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| Disorder in the house |
[11 Feb 2005|11:13pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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music |
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Warren Zevon |
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It's strange how much I think I've changed in the past years. It seems every month I have some new philosophy or political affiliation. Is that just part of being young? I'm kind of tired of it. Not of learning about philosophy and politics and everything else in the universe but of trying to classify myself in one. It comes to a point where I analyze all of my responses to make them coincide with a certain system of thought. It's absurd.
I want to be able to change and learn but I don't want to force myself to fit some philosophy just because it seems good. I'd much rather prefer to just live and let those things comes. I was so hasty to get my ideas straight and form my mind without realizing how much time I have. And yeah theres the whole "You could die in the next second" theory but if that's true would I like to spend those last minutes weighing pros and cons of an existentialist life vs. a nihilist life or whether socialism or anarchy is better. No, I'd rather be simply pondering those things without such self-imposed pressure. I'd rather see "eternity in a sunflower," and write poems than fret over the minor discrepancies of my thoughts.
Life's a contradiction and I might as well embrace it. Besides I'll have writings such as these to look back on at laugh at how I thought I had it all figured it out.
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| I'm younger than that now |
[23 Jan 2005|09:58pm] |
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mood |
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pointless |
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music |
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Billie Holiday-Sint nobody's busines |
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I made this really cool seuss-esque chalk drawing on my backyard cement today. Now it's raining and it's all going to be gone in the morning. I had to put my hand out the window, just to make sure and yup the damned old sky has opened up. Knew I shoulda taken the pciture when I had the chance, but now that it's gone with no proof of past existence it makes it all the more charming.
But on to the journal juice. Got busted for ganja ( I am steadfast in my desire to bring that word back and god is on my side.) My appointment with the child psychologist is scheduled for thursday because according to mother, getting good grades and smoking ganja means mental instability.
But the double D threat of Bob Dylan and Dylan Thomas see me through. If those men could combine into some mystic life-force of cool, I'd do it in a second even if chi don't have genitalia, somehow it'd go down.
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| Funny what a little moonlight can do |
[27 Dec 2004|07:37pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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Billie Holiday |
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Some guy once said that every page of Hegel took 6 hours of studying for it to be understandable. I'd like to be in the position where that would be possible along with the absorption of countless other books. I've been sitting around the house waiting for some sort of talent to blosssom because I can't face that I may just be mediocre. That would be the cruelest fate.
Saw "what the bleepdo we know" today with some pallies. Good ideas, horrible presentation.
Just finished a Tom Robbins book. That man is a friggin genuis.
"However many holy words you read,However many you speak,What good will they do you if you do not act on upon them?" Oh buddha that's something I'm just not ready to face yet.
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| bu bud a bu bud a buh |
[24 Dec 2004|01:15pm] |
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mood |
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 jubilant |
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music |
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The Byrds-Renissance Fair |
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Ladies and Gents...The messiah has returned
Redemtion is near.
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| Look into a glass onion |
[20 Dec 2004|09:27pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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music |
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The Beatles-Happiness is a warm gun |
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One of those "simple pleasure" deals:
Finding weed you don't remember buying and can't figure out how long it has hidden neglected in an old mint box.
Then, smoking that sneaky sneaky weed and finding, you are stoned off age old weed.
Suddenly finding yourself in some sort of sugar coated Lord of the Flies scene with you sitting worshipping the ketchup god with your sibling, (no joke, we were chanting)and singing beatles songs full tribal style.
Then there was some feversih crazy tag games, and shooting of the high pressure sink hose about the kicthen.
My ideal situation would be to act as a child but one capable of truly wonderful thoughts. Then I could run about worshipping any sort of condiment i wanted and then sit and think about the sublime or some shit afterwards. Eh, eh?
Not too shabby.
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| A moment of silence |
[07 Dec 2004|04:01pm] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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music |
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The lovely smacks and cracks of chip eating |
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At my most hopeless idealistic state, I'd like to be an anarchist. But at my most practical, yet still adorably romantic state, I'd have tog o with libretarian democracy. haha I don't even think I spelled that right. So much for pseudo-intellectualism.
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| I'll never get to heaven if I'm sinign this song. |
[04 Dec 2004|08:00pm] |
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mood |
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bouncy |
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music |
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Bandits of The Acoustic Revolution-Dear Sergio |
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Wow, if it weren't for the escapes...
Gallup was beautiful as usual. During the road trip I just felt like flinging open the van door, rolling past the guard rail and living on a river for five years. "Wasting" my life as if highschool conditioning is the biggest waste forced upon me.
Becca got her van back, or she found the keys her parents took from her so the nighttime escapades have continued. Ya notice how the retelling of events instantly beocmes funnier if you begin with, "So it was 2 o'clock..." Such as going to Nicos...really not that funny unless the whole time factor in. Seriously I have more experiences just fucking around at night than I have in 3 weeks at the horrid place of brainwashing. Speaking of schools, I am pleased to say i participated in a drug deal at Orange Grove Middle school. See it's not that funny...but wait wait it was 1:30 pm! Now it's become not only a worthwhile story but a funny one too.
But yeah, so the night has become a world unto itself that i could not survive with. And it has also allowed me to have GREAT dinner party stories, let me tell you.
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| I can't stop staring at the tick tock clock |
[24 Nov 2004|07:32am] |
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mood |
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 cynical |
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music |
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Pixies-hey |
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Public Education will kill us all. I don't even feel alive when I go. It's just kind of flotaing through the bullshit. "But atleast I got an A. So i don't have them to blame."
And salvation awaits in Gallup. I leave tomorrow and am shitting my panxts everytime I think about it. I think I realized why i love that place so much. Sure it' the people and the good times. But a large chucnk of it, is that i actually feel like I'm living life. Not some sheltered imitation of TV where suffering happens and is swept under the rug. Just driving aorund, I feel like I'm gaining more experience and insight into the human world than I could ever find in 10 years here in suburbia.
And books, books make me feel like I'm actually accomplishing something beyond academic memorization and regurgitation. Last night i was reading kirkegaard (woa, a philosophy reference. How pretencious!) and Idetermined to become an ironist; "The ironist, however, has stepped out of line with his age, has turned around and faced it. That which is coming is hidden form him , lies behind his back, but the actuality he so agnostically confronts is what he must destroy; upon this he focuses his burning gaze." Ummm...yeah so replace with feminine pronouns and ya got the gist.
I suspect this entry like all others will resound silently in cyber space.
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| The air we breathe's our coffin |
[17 Nov 2004|07:12pm] |
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Yeah, so I was a bitch. get over it, none of you liked me to begin with. So dearly sorry I can't play pretend as well as the rest of you. And I don't know why I act the way I do half the time either. Except this time it was because there were bigger things going on than a bad hair day or a test score which seem to be the only acceptable reasons for emotion these days.
Recap of the day
2:30 am- Mom picks brother up from St. Joseph's hospital
4:30 am- I awake to the sounds of two policeman conversing with mom outside my door.
School Hours- Attempt to hold onto the social graces imprinted on my brain since birth. Fail a few times, make some people angry/uneasy. Yeah sorry, sometimes people express emotion.
4:00-Now Avoid eye contact cause nobody wants to acknowledge his crying.
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| Now all anybodys listening for is the mistakes |
[15 Nov 2004|03:59pm] |
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mood |
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 groggy |
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music |
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I don't need this fucking world-Dead kennedys |
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This life is too much
cue violins
But in lighter news I have found my calling. I am to be a carnie.
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| Nobody told me |
[28 Oct 2004|06:50pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
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music |
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John Lennon-#9 Dream |
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I'm at the point where I just want to runaway into the desert with two suitcases; one full of books and another carrying my typewriter. I'd go way off into some mountain, build a tee-pee and live with my pet coyote.
I want to reatain some of my faith in humanity. And high-school is about the worst place to attempt that. Everybodys dying in their little self-built shells and they don't even know it. I don't understand how people can worry about the dumbest shit when there's such bigger things at stake.
When did knowledge and caring become passe?
P.S. I'm going sober for a while. When you're passing out in Burger King bathrooms and snorting your mom's painkillers between class, you need to put the brakes on.
So yeah, that's where I'm at.
Happy fuckin Halloween
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| Vive L'anarchie.....but not really. |
[23 Oct 2004|04:17pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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Bright Eyes-Don't know when but a day's gonna come |
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"It is better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees."
-Quote of the Spainish Revolution
Oh, those silly anarchists and their truth striking quotes!
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| It's total trash and it's a natural fact |
[22 Oct 2004|05:30pm] |
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mood |
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coming down |
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music |
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Sonic Youth |
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Well, hey howdy hey.
This whole updating thing is a bore. There's a lot to say, but none of it seems that important.
Ummmmmm.....things are swell. I'm drifting. Learning a lot and realizing school is the biggest bullshit system ever. The majority of that place, sickens me. The other day in 4th I nearly spewed my chunks.
BUT, my sneaking out nights have been grand in helping me get past all that crap. Jason and I have really bonded. I've also got some new experiences from all those nights. Hey! that's what I'm supposed to write in here. So heregoes:
-Matt pissing on the Presbyterian church
-Wandering the back alleys of University, trying not to fall over and listening to parrots slowly be strangled.
-Setting off firecrackers in the general direction of people fuckin in their cars in the Sabino canyon parking lot.
-Furiously throwing beer bottles out the window, because the sound makes me happy and the cops are about to pull us over.
-Watching my brother attempt to roll a joint and only doing so after creating piles of weed on the curb.
-Getting into fights w/ guys trying to use fake foodstamps on the poor unsuspecting arabian clerk.
-Watching crack-addicts play guitars on the street for money.
-Jumping behind bushes and into trees cuz I'm too drunk to talk to cops.
AND I'm passing school w/ flying colors. However, all good things must come to an end which frightens me.
p.s. TJ has converted me to his libretarian ways....not that i needed ,uch convincing
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confuzed1's journal